Church 101

I have been waffling back and forth about this particular blog, not wanting to write something that might offend someone. Then I realized I don't actually care if people are offended, since the only way one might be offended by what I have to say is if they are the ones causing the problems to begin with. So, here I offer a few tips for handling church the proper way, for those who apparently don't know:

1. If you can't keep up with everyone else when we're asked to read aloud, stop. If you're more than 2 words off, and the people around you are prone to seizures, you're asking for trouble.
2. Do not feel compelled to answer rhetorical questions. That's why they're rhetorical.
3. If you have a child in the nursery, memorize your child's ID number before service. Then you don't have to mumble "What's our number again?!" every time a number flashes on the screen.
4. Make your dinner plans before service. Or after. Anytime other than during the message is good, actually.
5. Don't try to guess what the speaker is going to say next. At least not audibly. It's only a fun little game for you; to everyone around you, it's just annoying.
6. Don't comment "Oh, I love this song!" during worship. It's not a concert.
7. Finally, but most importantly, when the worship leader instructs everyone to greet the people sitting around them, they do not in any way mean me. This is a common misconception. In my world, this phrase is loosely translated as, "Kiss SuperHubby, don't make eye contact with anyone and sit down as fast as you possibly can, without speaking to or shaking hands with anyone you don't know."

I hope this will be helpful to some of the newbies who have recently taken to sitting near me at church. It's not that I don't like you. I don't like anyone.

Special Deliveries

A couple of my closest friends are expecting babies, and both are having little girls. They both already have adorable little boys, and I'm thrilled God is expanding their families in this way. I'm also very happy that I have boys.

However, the birth of these 2 little ones is causing me great distress. I have to buy baby gifts. And I'm never quite sure what to do when it's a girl. I understand boys. Not so much girls. That would be why God gave me boys. He's smart like that.

When I buy baby stuff, I'm all into frogs and trucks and footballs and dinosaurs. I am not into butterflies and ballerinas and hair bows and Barbies. The thought makes my skin crawl.

My brother has a daughter (also known as my niece). She is absolutely adorable and I totally enjoying hanging out with her. She's my favorite niece (I have 4 others, but she's definitely the coolest). Even so, my head starts spinning with all the girl stuff after about 5 minutes. I'm just not getting it.

It's not easy finding gifts for baby girls that aren't full of ruffles and lace and flowers and all that nonsense. Try finding something with a frog on it - it doesn't exist (trust me - I've looked). You can't even give a non-clothing gift because you just don't know with little girls; they're always looking to throw you a curveball. With boys, if you can't find an outfit, you give the parents a football - for later.

I guess I could get these girls-to-be a couple of really nice purses. Right now that's all I can come up with.

On Target

Things have begun to go back to normal in the Fitzgerald household. Normal, right. SuperHubby has been home for over a week, his stitches have been removed and he's thinking the final shunt revision may have done the trick. I'm back to fighting for a good school for Spanky to attend in August and dealing with the FrogMan being the FrogMan. Normal.

Which means my efforts can return to important issues, like answering some very deep questions. Why do huge men always have itty bitty little dogs? Why has there never been a Hurricane Lori? Who would invent jalapeno liverwurst? More importantly, who would eat it?

I've also had the occasion to reflect on my favorite shopping venue: Target. I haven't been able to spend a lot of time there in the past month, so I've been just conjuring images of the store to hold me over. And I have some observations:

• If you buy clothes at Target, you don't have to apologize or make excuses. They have cool clothes. You always feel like you have to qualify your purchase with "it was on sale" when you buy clothes at the Other Places.
• Target is, in essence, a really nice Wal-Mart or K-Mart. But they were terribly clever. They left out the Mart. Takes them to a whole new level of tasteful.
• Target has a really good marketing campaign. It's just a little red and white circle. Very easy. Very catchy. You know when you see it that it means Target. And it's on all their Target products. Go to Wal-Mart and see if you can find their Wal-Mart products. I doubt it. That's because they try to give everything a cleverly ripped off name of the original product (Dr. Thunder, anyone?). I'd much rather just know I'm getting the store brand of trash bags and not have to think that hard.
• Target has interesting incentives for their employees. I'm still up in the air about this one. The last few times I was in Target, I heard employee radios sound off with the manager reminding the staff that a "secret shopper" would be in the store that particular day, and they could win $50 if they treat said secret shopper well. I personally don't want the employees to have to be bribed to treat me nicely while I shop there. Actually, I don't want them to talk to me at all. But it works. Target employees will stalk you while you're in the store, even if it is only so they make an extra $50 that week.
• You can buy anything at Target - but it has to be nice. Daytimers? Yes, but only the really good ones. Bedding? Absolutely - the same as you'd find at Belk. You're going to find nice stuff, just not a huge selection. Which is a good thing for someone like me.

Target doesn't pretend to be something it's not - they just do it much better than the rest of the pack. Lately I've noticed another trend: fast food establishments that have their entire employee handbook on the wall next to the phone, hidden from their customers inside the building, but completely visible to the folks in the drive thru. Hello - I never walk in. Do I really want to know that they only reason they're smiling and saying "my pleasure" is because there's a note on the wall reminding them to say it? Even if they really mean it, it just sounds fake. But that's another topic for another day.