Church 101

I have been waffling back and forth about this particular blog, not wanting to write something that might offend someone. Then I realized I don't actually care if people are offended, since the only way one might be offended by what I have to say is if they are the ones causing the problems to begin with. So, here I offer a few tips for handling church the proper way, for those who apparently don't know:

1. If you can't keep up with everyone else when we're asked to read aloud, stop. If you're more than 2 words off, and the people around you are prone to seizures, you're asking for trouble.
2. Do not feel compelled to answer rhetorical questions. That's why they're rhetorical.
3. If you have a child in the nursery, memorize your child's ID number before service. Then you don't have to mumble "What's our number again?!" every time a number flashes on the screen.
4. Make your dinner plans before service. Or after. Anytime other than during the message is good, actually.
5. Don't try to guess what the speaker is going to say next. At least not audibly. It's only a fun little game for you; to everyone around you, it's just annoying.
6. Don't comment "Oh, I love this song!" during worship. It's not a concert.
7. Finally, but most importantly, when the worship leader instructs everyone to greet the people sitting around them, they do not in any way mean me. This is a common misconception. In my world, this phrase is loosely translated as, "Kiss SuperHubby, don't make eye contact with anyone and sit down as fast as you possibly can, without speaking to or shaking hands with anyone you don't know."

I hope this will be helpful to some of the newbies who have recently taken to sitting near me at church. It's not that I don't like you. I don't like anyone.