All I Can Say Is "Wow"
Ever think something is your fault, but convince yourself that maybe it's not, and even if it is, there's nothing you can do to change it, so you decide just not to worry about it? That's what I've pretty much done for the past 12 years. I've always felt like all of FrogBoy's medical issues were somehow my doing, related in part or in whole to the medicine I took while I was pregnant with him. I remind myself that the doctors told me it was better to take the medicine and roll the dice than to not take the medicine and have a seizure while pregnant. I remind myself that I love him exactly as he is, and God gave me this child for a reason. I remind myself of a lot of things. Then I spend a little time not thinking about it, and eventually start blaming myself all over again.
This week, I discovered that it actually is all my fault. Indeed. Well, not really my fault; more the manufacturer of the medicine I took way back when. (Actually, I still take it, but that's not the point, now, is it?) Anyway, turns out this particular medicine causes birth defects...many of the issues Froggie deals with...some much, much worse. When faced with what could have been, I realize we are truly blessed.
Still, this cuts deep into my core. I am wounded, broken, raw. I wonder if he will forgive me. Will I forgive myself? I don't know...
So, finally, after 12 years, I have answers. I've been wanting answers. Not these answers, especially not these answers, but it is what it is, and now I know. Now I guess I have to live with what I've learned and move forward.
2 comments:
Two quick things: First, if your choice to take the meds had been recreational, or even for general comfort (like those women who took thalidomide as "mother's little helper" back in the 50s), that might be different. But yours was medically necessary.
Secondly, there's zero reason for a Christian to beat themselves up about an issue like this. We know that God is sovereign. That doesn't give us the old-school Calvinist view of predestination that says "do whatever you want, it's all decided," but it does mean that even before creation, God could see His very special creation in Michael, and His choice that you would be given both the blessing and the stewardship of being his mother.
Forty years ago I took a medicine with similar warnings while I was pregnant with you. ( I took it with your brother, too.) Do you realize how much blame I carry for you having seizures and Michael having his problems? I can tell you honestly that if you let it, it will make you crazy, but if you look at it like Larry reminds us, we both need to be thankful that the results of those medications were not much, much worse. I don't think either of us would give up the blessing of these second children we had! I know I wouldn't.
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