Obit Observations

One of the funniest bits on Friends was early in the show, before they tried too hard, when Phoebe went to visit her grandmother. Grandma had out the newspaper and the phone book. Paper was turned to the obits. When asked what she was doing, she replied, "Updating the phone book." Classic.

I'm not morbid, but I love the obituaries. I read them every day. I don't know what I find so fascinating about them, but I cannot NOT turn to that section ... before I look at anything else ... to check things out. Been doing it since I was a kid.

I don't really read them all. (As if that makes it better.) I only scan them, find the ones that seem particularly tragic, and then read those in great detail. It's like a sick little game. Read the obit and see if you can figure out how the person died.

Things have gotten better in recent years; it has become more acceptable to add a few words to make things more personal. Used to be, you got "He was born, he got married, he had kids, he died, come Friday for the funeral" and that was it. Now people add things like "She is survived by her lifelong companions Bert and Ernie, cockapoos that never left her side even while she soiled herself in her final moments." It's touching, really.

Still, when I check out the obits and something strikes me as not being old-age-death, I need details. Can't we just require people put that in the announcement? If it's a young person, or worse, a kid, I need to know. Was it a car accident? Cancer? Lice infestation? Inquiring minds want to know.

Sometimes you can figure it out. It all depends on where they ask you to make donations in lieu of flowers. If it's the American Cancer Society, you pretty much know. If it's the SPCA, either they had rabies, or they were very lonely ladies with lots of cats. Sometimes there will be an accompanying article elsewhere in the paper that spells things out in wonderful, lurid detail; but usually it takes quite a bit of detective work.

Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. Probably so. But I think the obituaries should be more like reporting a story. It sure would make my life a lot easier.

And people could stop putting those ridiculous RIP stencils on the back windows of their cars. That would also be helpful. For future reference: That's not how I want to be remembered by my family, friends, and any strangers driving past at 80 mph on the interstate.