The 12 Irritants of Christmas

Contraray to popular opinion, based mostly on a previous blog about Christmas beginning in early October, I am not a scrooge. I love Christmas. I love the decorations, I love the music, I love the sentiment, I love just about everything about this time of year. Just about.

There are a few things that drive me completely insane. Twelve actually. How convenient.

1. Decorated automobiles. Why are people putting wreaths and ribbons and bows and fake snow on their cars? I don't understand this. Decorate your house; drive your car.
2. Bad outdoor lights. If you're going to decorate the trees in your yard, do a good job. Otherwise, don't do it at all. These people that decorate only the bottom half of the tree don't realize that that's just a lighted version of whitewashing your trees. Very redneck.
3. Poor lawn decor. Closely related to #2 above. You should not have a manger scene complete with Santa and the Grinch. You should not have plastic glowing candy canes sprinkled randomly around the walkways. You most definitely should not have anything homemade in your yard.
4. Crowds. I don't like crowds the other 11 months of the year, but come Christmas, I can't hardly leave my house. I have to stock up on toilet paper around mid-September just so I don't have to stand in line for 30 minutes to buy a roll when we're desperate and have no other choice. This after being mauled by the crazies "just in the holiday spirit."
5. Finding a Christmas tree. First, let me ask, why are we cutting down a living tree and setting it up inside our house, only to have to make sure it doesn't die for a month, and then throwing it on the curb to be hauled away like it doesn't deserve to live? My dogs are totally confused about this tree in the house. Why can't they pee on it? It's fine when they're outside. Could we not find a better alternative? This year I proposed clearing a wall, painting on a tree, and letting the boys go nuts with paints to decorate it. After Christmas, I get a new paint job. SuperHubby was less than appreciative of this ingenious idea. We have a real tree.
6. Toilet paper gifts. A note comes home from school the other day asking that we send in empty toilet paper rolls. "We have some exciting crafts for the children, they will be making gifts for the parents, we need as many rolls as possible." Do I really want a gift made out of a used toilet paper roll? I guess it's better than used toilet paper. But I have a thought: why not let me send in $10 and you have a nice little store with nice little gifts that my child could buy me something. Preferrably something that didn't formerly take up residency in the bathroom.
7. Food. I love some holiday food. But I draw the line at anything that includes candied fruit. And a lot of holiday food has candied fruit hidden inside. It looks good, you take a nibble, you think you're home free, you take a bite, and suddenly you have a mouthful of candied pineapple. And the person who made it is standing right there. Crud.
8. Christmas colors. What's up with the red and green? These don't match. I'm thinking of a pink and black Christmas, baby!
9. Location, location, location. It's not so convenient to have Christmas in December. First, it's cold, and I don't like cold weather. I think we should work on this. Second, daytimers end in December (unless you have a 16-month calendar, but that's another story). So you have tons of notes and appointments to write down, but no room, because you've already used your calendar for 11 months and you're barely holding on until the new one can be used.
10. Mean, bratty kids. A nasty little girl in FrogBoy's class told him there was no such thing as Santa Claus. We told her she was ugly.
11. Media issues. It's not so wonderful to have holiday specials on all the time. Sometimes you just want to watch Law & Order and see someone get murdered. And the 24/7 Christmas music on the radio is really stale by now. AND just because the technology is available, that doesn't mean Cyndi Lauper and Frank Sinatra should EVER sing together.
12. Middle-of-the-mall vendors. These people annoy me. There's not enough room to walk anyway because of all the people in the mall, but some rocket scientist felt compelled to add more vendors by setting up keosks in the middle of the street. So you have to walk around. But you can't walk around, because there's too many people. Which is just what they want. Then they corner you. I actually had a woman ask me the other day if my hair was naturally curly. Being stupid, I answered her. When I said yes, she tried to sell me a hair straightener. Does that mean my hair looks awful and I need help? That's a bad sales gimmick, no matter how you slice it.

BONUS IRRITANT: Free gift with purchase. Ever notice how the free gift with purchase is really good, but not great, but something you'd like to maybe have? But they don't sell it on it's own, you can only get it free with purchase. But you have to spend some crazy amount on an item that (1) you really don't want and (2) really isn't worth what you're paying -- but you do it because you want the FREE gift.

I'm not anti-Christmas, really. I could go for some changes to the routine though. I don't think everything on the planet should close down (what if I need to buy something?). It is all about me, after all.