Another One Bites the Dust

I am very saddened by the recent demise of the marriage of Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney. I'm even more sad that I didn't really realize a wedding had taken place before the marriage was over.

Apparently, these 2 crazy kids (both rapidly approaching 40) decided to get married after a lengthy courtship ... all of 4 months. The marriage lasted 4 months as well. Not many people can meet, date, get married and get divorced all in the same year (except Britney Spears, but she doesn't count for anything, ever).

Renee has cited "fraud" in her annulment petition. Um, she's an actress, which means "fraud" is pretty much the basis of her life ... so I don't get it. According to my sources (People magazine), Renee and Kenny had different plans for their marriage that they didn't realize at the onset of the deal. Gee, there's an argument for getting to know someone before you marry them. At least find out their middle name.

So, to help out those who are not currently attached but happen to be reading my blog, which I think consists of my my 11-year-old nephew and some random guy in Nebraska named Bo, I have compiled a helpful little list of things to consider before marrying someone:

• Do they have a history of loonies in their family? (okay, granted, my brother and I would both be very sad and lonely people if this meant you couldn't get married, but it would be nice for people to know going in what they're getting)
• Do their feet stink? Do you care?
• What do they look like at their worst? My suggestion ... ring their doorbell at 3 a.m. and see how pretty they are. Anyone can look nice for a date. The challenge is looking ... and acting ... nice in the middle of the night.
• Do they roll the toilet paper from the top or bottom? Will this cause arguments, or will you simply change it every single time so it rolls right?
• Will your married name cause you to have initials that spell something bad?
• Is their family ugly? It doesn't matter if they're gorgeous, if there's a history there, chances are, you're gonna have not-so-pretty kids.
• Have they written a song about you prior to meeting you? (Kenny did) If so, join me in looking up the definition of "stalker."
• Do you live in Hollywood (CA, not SC)? If so, it's a pretty good bet you shouldn't get married, not now, not ever. You can't be happy. You can only be rich. It's a rough life but you chose it. Now go and enjoy your gobs of money ... alone.

I'm hoping to have this included in our wedding manual at church. I think there's some good stuff here. And to Renee and Kenny, we mourn the loss of your union. We'll see you in 4 months, flaunting the new "love of your life."