I was perusing the most reliable news magazine on stands today (People), reading all about what all the beautiful people are doing and who they're doing it with, and I realized a very important thing: I could never be famous. Not that I want to be famous, but I'm just realizing I don't have what it takes. I think I have too many brain cells. And I'm still on my first husband. So here goes... my Top 10 Reasons I Could Never Make It in Hollywood:
- They don't take marriage seriously at all. Unless you're the salad dressing guy (Paul Newman for you youngsters). Everyone else gets married after they've known each other for a couple of months ... and the marriages last just as long. I don't even make eye contact with people that fast.
- They name their children really stupid things. Fifi Trixiebelle. Soleil Moon Frye. Charmin Oh-So-Soft. I really don't want to start my kids off on the getting-beat-up path that early in life.
- I would never own a dog that can be carried around in a purse ... and enjoy it. Furthermore, if I happened to own a rat, I wouldn't dress it in little doggie clothes.
- Most celebrities are skinny. If they are famous and fat, they got famous when they were fat, and if they lose weight later, they become un-famous. I have every intention of losing weight someday. I don't want to have the demise of my career tethered to that goal.
- Unless I can wear jeans and tees on the red carpet, I don't want to come to the party.
- Famous people seem to enjoy flying. I do not. No famous person ever got famous by staying in South Carolina their whole entire life.
- Celebrities tend to have maids. While I am fond of this idea on the surface, I balk at the thought of someone else washing my underwear.
- The beautiful people always seem to be hitting the parties at 4:00 a.m. I only do one thing at 4:00 a.m. -- sleep.
- Famous people have to sign autographs and get their pictures taken with strangers and act nice. I don't like people.
- I have Fred Flintstone feet. I think this would probably hurt my chances in Hollywood.
So now everyone can rest easy. I will not be leaving my job, my friends or my family to pursue a career in NY or LA. What you see is what you get.
2 comments:
On the other hand, celebrities often have some really weird relatives to do scandalous things and make them look bad (or, alternatively, they do scandalous things and make their decent relatives look bad). With our family, you have at least one sure-fire qualification.
staying in SC their whole lives and not getting famous? yeah - even james brown had to leave the state to get all funky with it. ow - jump back.
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