Flying the Not-So-Friendly Skies

As if I weren't terrified enough of flying, a couple of weeks before our trip there were several bombings in London. Granted, they were on the subway, but it was enough to remind me of 9/11 and get my proverbial panties in a wad.

I started thinking -- A LOT -- about what a terrorist would look like. I was certain I would be able to spot one a mile away. What is wrong with these so-called security experts? Why can't they see these people coming? In my opinion, frisk everyone and ask questions later. But I digress.

So we're leaving PA, after nary a hint of terrorist activity on the flights over or even while in NY (although I was pretty sure our cabbie was going to kill us). And then I spotted HIM. Anyone would have picked him out of a crowd. He was...The Amish Terrorist.

I'm not kidding. Here's this Amish guy, in all his Amish glory, with his great big Amish hat, boarding my flight. Not good. He had as his carry-on's a metal briefcase (yeah, right, where does HE work?!) and a box of what appeared to be those gigantic chocolate bars that your kids sell for school fundraisers. Now I ask, who wants to board a plane with that???

I searched my brain for any knowledge of all things Amish. Didn't take long. I remembered that Amish people don't exactly travel in cars. So what's this guy doing getting on a plane?!?!? Hence the conclusion: he must be an Amish terrorist.

He looked nice enough. Even took off his shoes going through the metal detector. There were no signs telling you to do this, so I knew he was a seasoned Amish traveler. Nothing beeped and no one jumped him, so I took that as a good sign.

Then I started really thinking. If this guy is truly an Amish terrorist, what's his purpose? Why would he blow up my plane? Is he speaking out against cell phone use? Maybe the fact that people have used way more buttons this year than last year, and he just can't take it anymore. And, of course, there's been that great ShooFly empidemic in PA, which renders them unable to make ShooFly Pie.

I decided to board, simply because I realized that blowing up in a plane would actually be better than having the plane crash. At least it's over quick and you don't have to wait for impact. My Amish friend never uttered a word or even used the lavatory during the entire flight (modern conveniences, you know).

I may have overreacted. But at least I pay attention.